System Malfunction

I see a path and know I must go, but I have no desire to move my feet in that direction. This is my morning, my midday, my night; sometimes, but not always.

Hating the fact that I have no energy, nor want to go, yet deep within me there is a stirred sense of need. It is like wanting but not being able to begin. My eyes and temples feel this. My thighs and the balls of my feet sense this.

I tingle with an inability to produce anything valuable in these moments. I am frozen.   

Do all things feel this way from time to time? Does everything have the drive but not the fortitude that it takes to produce something valuable on occasion?  Maybe this is just my disk defragmentation event, my way of decluttering and compartmentalizing all of the happenings of the days, weeks and months prior? 

I sit in a state of semi-consciousness, not awake, not asleep, and not able to function on an outward level. Is this my way of rebooting the system?

It isn’t that life’s tasks are drudgery, and it isn’t that they are even difficult. It is more that I can’t begin to pick one foot up and place it in front of the other, like a hiccup in the operating program, like waiting for something to happen that never will.  

Is it the rain in the air, the overworked mind, too much running on the hamster wheel? Is it the food, as in too much ice cream, too much coffee, too much intake?  Something must culminate in the body, manifested by an action, to cause this sluggishness that happens on certain days, right? Am I getting enough sleep or too much, what is it?

Wait, maybe something is starting to happen.

I see now, maybe I have to begin moving first, and then the rest will follow. I have to begin, and I am not talking about starting something, but rather looking into the abyss that is all around me. I need to look at the deeper level. So I hit the ground, landing on my knees today for the first time in a long time.

“Should I try to meditate or pray? I don’t believe in anything, so what is the difference?”

“Should I step outside of me for a moment and take a closer look at the world around me instead of the world inside me?”

“Should I fight this resistance any longer?”

Then I begin to feel and hear something and it feels weird.

A constant hum is coming from my office heater, and my ears start to open up to the sound of a sinusoidal wave that goes in and out of my audible range. I hear small ticks and crackles, drips and drops from the rain, key clicks on the computer. I start to see everything now, like the small leak stain on my ceiling, misaligned trim, small imperfections in the paint, and the unsanded sections of my homemade desk. Here I sit now staring into the deep space, listening to the profound time that is happening all around me. 

“Life is beautiful. I am alive."

“As I breathe in and breathe out, I am here.”

Only one breath stands between me being right here and right now, and infinite time, infinite foreverness.

This is me waking up. Now I am stirring, and all of a sudden the surge of energy is modified, the key ingredient has been placed into action. Something has changed. I am ready to come to life. Now the path is clearer than ever, step one, step two, and then step three.

I am finally in motion

Constant flux and flow. Constant perplexation and never-ending confusion, followed by the false but real sense of knowing it all.

I am tangled in the void that is the past, present, and future. 

This is my human mind...or is this just a system malfunction; a glitch?